The one where I pretend I know what I'm talking about...

James at The Ink has shamelessly stolen other people's ideas (alright, asked nicely for people to give their ideas... I'm just sore because mine wasn't chosen) and written a post of his top tip golden blogging rules.

For what it's worth, here are mine...

• Blog interesting
• If you don't think you're very interesting, invent a new persona... Contortionist? Burlesque dancer? Accountant? Whatever floats your boat.
• Don't worry too much about blogging regularly. Real life does happen. You will have other things that keep you busy. It's not your job. Like all hobbies, blogging can't take over your life.
• Be part of the community dude... that means reading other people's blogs, that means commenting and that means actually be interested in other people - it's not all about you, despite what you might think.
• Make sure your writing is readable. No txt spk hr - I dnt udersnd it (is that right?). I understand l33tspe3k even less. i \/\/3\T t0 tH3 5h0p2 t0d4Y 4\d 80U9hT 4 l04f 0F 8r34D just won't cut it. Remember what your teacher taught you.
• Realise this is the internet - you never know who's reading. No matter how much you try and keep your blog quiet, it's likely that someone you know will, at some point, read it. Write accordingly. Don't censor your work, just think how it would feel if you found your name blazed across some internet site. Use pseudonyms.
• Don't let the bastards grind you down. Occasionally in the big bad world of the internet, you're going to come across people you don't like. Solution? Easy. Don't visit their site again. It's ok not to like people, you don't have to beat yourself over the head about it.
• If you're having a bit of a brain-freeze, look at the news, look at other blogs, look up random words... or, if all else fails, go and find a meme to answer.
• It doesn't matter what you blog about as long as it's your own perspective on something. The reason people read your blog is because they want to know what you think... not what Norma Major said about Edwina Currie (or whatever)
• No matter how dull you think a subject is, I bet you can make it interesting.

Gosh, that's all a bit too serious for me. Sorry.

Normal service will be resumed once I a) start following all my rules from above and b) think of something worthwhile to write about.

About another 3 days then...

Wanted: Mrs Mop

As I tip myself out of bed my foot connects with with something long and hard. And painful. Surely a hairbrush doesn't belong there?

I survey the room. A "clothes to be washed" pile. A "clothes to be put away" pile. A "clothes that belong in the dressing up box" pile. Walking through to the sitting room, a wine glass from last night stares accusingly at me from the table. A pile of mail which needs to be re-directed to wherever Ms Ida Green has moved on to.

I can't face the kitchen.

I am not slovenly by nature but I'm increasingly finding that I'm having less and less time to do the things that a good housewife (*ahem*) should. When I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is merrily don the marigolds and spend the next half hour underneath the loo, scrubbing away to my heart's content. I'm not some old scrubber y'know.

I've always seen myself as more of a sit-with-feet-up-watching-other-people-do-the-cleaning kind of a gal. So that's why I've come to the decision that I'm going to have to get myself a lady what does. I'm sufficiently right-wing in outlook not to have pangs of guilt about this, however, I do have a number of stipulations.

1. Mrs Mop must infact be a Mr Mop
2. Wearing a small pinny
3. Topless
4. Oh, and I'd have to vet him before he starts for "ease on the eye" credentials.

Apparently there's a market for this sort of thing...

Pimp yourself out (in more ways than one)

It's not that I'm anti-Valentine's Day (and in fact N did cook me a lovely supper last night because he knew he wouldn't be around tonight) but I still love these cards

Also... Peach is putting together a book of different bloggers' writing in aid of WARCHILD. I'm not going to submit anything (unless someone can suggest a suitable topic) but you should. Yes, you... standing over there. Go and have a look.

Nowt so queer as folk

It's amazing the things you see, sitting in the bubble-like atmosphere of your car, watching the world overtake you.

Look, there's that man, carrying a woman's handbag looking all for the world like he's about to commit some cardinal sin. Furtively, he looks around, hoping no-one will notice the white leather holdall he carries, clutched underneath a fragrant armpit.

And there, the yummy mummy, with her equally beautiful progeny prancing along the road heading towards the local school for beautiful people. No ugly kids near me please, they seem to say. The not-so-yummy-mummy hangs her head and drags her overweight child past the gate, wondering what might have been had she not shacked up with Dave from the local pub.

You have a giggle at the lollipop lady, bedecked in resplendent yellow. Leaning against the wall she looks vacantly at the passing traffic. She sighs. When will the kids come to school so I have something to do?

The woman in the car behind you exercises. Hand under chin, opening and closing her mouth. "I'm sure this is how they said whatsherface did it - and just look at her... not a wrinkle to be seen."

I wonder what people think when they see me as I sit there, singing to myself, playing the drums on the steering wheel and staring out the window.