Out of order

Nuttycow can't come to the blog right now. She's too busy feeling sorry for herself.

Normal service will be resumed soon.

Something I promised I wouldn't do...

... is drunken blog.

Yes, in a looooooooong conversation with Ollie I promised I would never blog when drunk.

Well. I gave in. It's 1:19 in the morning, I've had a couple of cheeky vimtos (port and WKD blue in case you didn't know) and hey, I've decided to blog.

The lovely Edward, other half of the fabulous Milla, sent me something off my wishlist - the Scouting for Girls album. I do like it but...

1. The first song sounds likes the words and the backing track are from completely different songs.

2. All the rest of the songs are from the "repeat the words over and over again and maybe someone will like it" school. Great for people like N who can't remember any words but not so good for me who knows all the words to EVERY SONG EVER MADE.

It's alright - not a patch on Jonny Cash though.

Thank you Edward - appreciated.

What if...

I tend to use the time I'm in the car to think. It's a good a place as any. It's warm, it's comfortable and more often than not, I'm on my own. Just recently, I've noticed that the things I think about aren't exactly... normal.

I think about the best things that could happen, I think about the worst things that could happen. I think about myself and about other people. I have scenarios planned out. I have dialogue. Am I going mad?!

What would happen if I got sacked?
Where would I live?
Would N stay with me?
What would I do if we broke up?
How would it feel if my parents died?
Would I know who to turn to?
Would they know what to do?
Am I doing the right thing with my life?
Should I jack it all in, move and do something else?
Do my friends really like me?
Am I good at my job or do I just think I am?
When I look at someone on the street and think to myself, oh my god, I'm glad I'm not as fat as her... am I actually as fat as her and I just don't realise it?
How do other people see me?
Will I age gracefully?
Will I ever have the life I want?
What would my ideal house be like?
Can you imagine living with N for the rest of your life?
What would you do if you suddenly came into money?
What are you doing with your life?

I think I need to stop thinking and start doing!

Tradition

My childhood was full of funny little traditions:

• Santa likes his whisky with a little bit of water.
• Rudolph prefers chocolate to carrots.
• Tooth fairy rates do not increase with inflation.
• On Christmas Eve we will go down to the pub, get merrily drunk and stagger to Midnight Mass no matter what condition we were in.
• Christmas presents are not to be opened until about 3 in the afternoon (after late breakfast, a trip to the pub and before the meal in the evening).
• Easter is a day for chocolate and church. Your egg will be on the table with breakfast and you may eat it then and there as an accompaniment with full fry up breakfast. You will then go to church.
• At the end of the school year you will take a thank you present to your teacher.
• Bread and butter letters will be sent after staying with someone.
• Home made cards are best.
• No matter what the weather, you will go for a walk on a Sunday.
• Saturdays are for going into "nearest large town to the village". We will meet at 11 o'clock at "random small coffee shop".
• All pets will have random swahili names.

It makes me a little bit sad that N doesn't seem to have had all these types of traditions. If we get married and have children it'll be up to me to make sure that, 20 years on, they're sitting remembering their childhood with fondness and having a little giggle.

In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire...

A bout of chuntering with Milla has led me to realise how unforgiving I am of those who incur my grammatical, stylistical and vocabularical wrath (and yes, vocabularical is a word. A word I made up. Shush, I'm ranting)

There are a couple of things which really really really annoy me.

Toilet:
It's not a toilet. It's a loo. The origins of "loo" are unknown but there are a number of wonderful theories... all which are much better than toilet (which seems to be an Americanism). Lavatory (from the Latin lavātōrium) is of course, even better.

Lounge:
Unless you live in an airport, you do not have a lounge in your house. You have a sitting room (which is normally slightly more informal) or possibly a drawing room. Not used for drawing, but rather withdrawing.

Couch:
Sofa. Sofa. Sofa. Couch? Brings up visions of Land of Leather. Ditto settee

Serviette:
It may sound French. It may be French. It's still horrible. You probably get serviettes in a McDonalds. If you're at my house, you get napkins.

Tux/Tuxedo:
Another Americanism (and hey, this isn't a beat-the-Americans-over-the-head-with-a-stick post it's just I don't like certain ways they do things... politics amongst others). It's a dinner jacket. You wear it when having dinner. Which neatly leads me onto...

Tea/Dinner:
I've never understood this one. In my house it was always... Breakfast, Lunch, Tea, Supper. Breakfast is pretty self-explanatory. Lunch, meal in the middle of the day. Tea, either a cup of tea or a small snack when home from school (at around 4/5 ish). Supper, meal at the end of the day, around 8/9 o'clock. Some people have Breakfast, Dinner and then Tea. How does that work?

Hello, pleased/nice to meet you/how's it going:
Even I have to admit, I'm a bit slack with this one... it depends to whom I am talking. Interviewers, friends of parents, N's parents/friends, certain people I went to uni/school with? "Hello. How d'you do?". Random person I'm being introduced to in the pub? "Hi, how's it going?"

Setting the table:
Fork on the left. Knife on the right (blade facing in please). Finished eating? Knife and fork together in the middle of the plate (blade again, facing in).

Eating:
Fork in left hand, knife in right. Elbows off table (unless you've finished). Finishing your mouthful before talking. Wait until everyone's got food before starting. Napkins on lap, not tucked in anywhere else. If you're a child, ask to leave the table, don't just assume you can. If you're an adult and you need to go somewhere, excuse yourself. If you're a guest, always offer to help clear away. Don't stack the plates. Certainly don't scape the plates at the table. Take them out to the kitchen 2 (or 3 if you can manage it) at a time.

Snobbish? Maybe. Sue me.

EDIT 200308: Thank you peach - a typo meant I'd completely undone all my ranting previously. Knife is now firmly placed in the right hand. Phew.

As old as the woman you feel

A wise man once said "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?" And, as it's coming up to my birthday (gosh, I'm going to be so old), I got thinking.

How old would I like to be?

0 - 2 years - No stress. Sit. Lie down a little. Cry a bit. Play. Eat. All your needs are dealt with, no responsibility. Now that's a life I could get used to. Much like a cat I would be ruler of my own universe, know I was right in all circumstances and would be able to turn my affection on and off at whim.

6-7 years - I have few memories from this period but I do remember endless summers. I always seemed to be playing, even when at school. Friends could be made and dropped in an instant. There was no pressure to look good or to wear the right things. If you were teased you were safe in the knowledge that your mother had dressed you so therefore, it wasn't your fault. Food seemed nicer at this age. Maybe because everything was new.

Teen years - Surprisingly idyllic. Is this because I was living in a hot country with few distractions apart from horses and sport? Could it be that I just didn't care what people thought? Still?

30 - 40 years - For some reason I think this will be the best time of my life. I should have my own home. I should be married. I should have children. I should have enough money to see me through. Should.

90+ years - I would have great fun pretending I were slightly mad. I'd put irons in the fridge. I'd make my 10 cats wear different hats and seat them round the table at dinner parties. I would delight in squeezing the cheeks of people younger than me. I would attempt to grow plants in people's shoes and I would make everyone refer to me as "Your Majesty".

What about you?

I know it's tres gauche to blog about what people search about to find your site but I've seriously had a couple of randoms recently which makes me wonder exactly who it is out there on the other side of this computer screen.

Too much Dulcoease? Make your way here.
Want to play rugby in a salsa dress? I'm your cow.
And, naturally, if you want to know about lovely men's bottoms... I have the monopoly on them too.

Banana, speedboat, constipation, erect, jumping up and down, telephone, dip his nib in my ink, swirly chairs, lick...Sorry... just trying disappoint people.

Trains, planes and automobiles

I like Dublin. It's scruffy, the people are nice and the money doesn't seem real (am I the only one who thinks that Euros are like Monopoly money?)

What I don't like about Dublin is the airport. I don't like it when I spend more time in the airport than in Dublin itself. I don't like it when my plane is delayed and I have to sit around for three hours with nothing to do. I don't like the uncomfortable seats. I don't like the internet stations that steal all your money. I don't like the noisy groups of teenagers who insist on standing behind me, shouting at the top of their voices. I don't like the fact you can't get a proper knife and fork to eat the (mediocre) food with.

I don't like the fact that I'm knackered today thanks to Dublin airport.

The one where I pretend I know what I'm talking about...

James at The Ink has shamelessly stolen other people's ideas (alright, asked nicely for people to give their ideas... I'm just sore because mine wasn't chosen) and written a post of his top tip golden blogging rules.

For what it's worth, here are mine...

• Blog interesting
• If you don't think you're very interesting, invent a new persona... Contortionist? Burlesque dancer? Accountant? Whatever floats your boat.
• Don't worry too much about blogging regularly. Real life does happen. You will have other things that keep you busy. It's not your job. Like all hobbies, blogging can't take over your life.
• Be part of the community dude... that means reading other people's blogs, that means commenting and that means actually be interested in other people - it's not all about you, despite what you might think.
• Make sure your writing is readable. No txt spk hr - I dnt udersnd it (is that right?). I understand l33tspe3k even less. i \/\/3\T t0 tH3 5h0p2 t0d4Y 4\d 80U9hT 4 l04f 0F 8r34D just won't cut it. Remember what your teacher taught you.
• Realise this is the internet - you never know who's reading. No matter how much you try and keep your blog quiet, it's likely that someone you know will, at some point, read it. Write accordingly. Don't censor your work, just think how it would feel if you found your name blazed across some internet site. Use pseudonyms.
• Don't let the bastards grind you down. Occasionally in the big bad world of the internet, you're going to come across people you don't like. Solution? Easy. Don't visit their site again. It's ok not to like people, you don't have to beat yourself over the head about it.
• If you're having a bit of a brain-freeze, look at the news, look at other blogs, look up random words... or, if all else fails, go and find a meme to answer.
• It doesn't matter what you blog about as long as it's your own perspective on something. The reason people read your blog is because they want to know what you think... not what Norma Major said about Edwina Currie (or whatever)
• No matter how dull you think a subject is, I bet you can make it interesting.

Gosh, that's all a bit too serious for me. Sorry.

Normal service will be resumed once I a) start following all my rules from above and b) think of something worthwhile to write about.

About another 3 days then...

Never respect a man who can salsa

I've never really been one for hen nights. The prospect of being forced to wear sparkly willies on my head and the "you must have fun" attitude makes me go cold.

Groups of them stream out of clubs in the early hours, cackling manically, acting like harrassing strangers is ok, just because they're wearing a white veil and L plates (aside: why L plates... they're not learners. If they were going on their first date, then maybe. But hell, they're getting married, you'd think they'd know what they were doing by that stage in the relationship!)

The hen "day and night" I went to on Saturday was an amalgamation of the best and worst. The good. Twenty intrepid explorers went on a treasure hunt of sorts. Things we had to find included the bride, a man in uniform (hoorah!) and the other teams. We then trooped to the pub and watched the rugby* and drink a lot of beer. And cider. And other things.

And the bad? We made our way to Charing Cross (not the most salubrious of surroundings you might say, and you'd be right) to a nightclub/bar where we were to learn Salsa. 13 hungry hens (not including ours) had already descended into this pit of despair. Around the dancefloor, swarthy, sweaty, Spanish types peered through the gloom, picking out their victims. The air was heavy with the smell of Lynx (probably). The words "meat market" sprang to mind.

I bumped into a friend with her new boyfriend, I idly watched them (as all around me scoffed the worst tapas known to man - think a tortilla chip and a spare rib followed by overcooked chicken).

The couple were dancing on the edge of the dance-floor. Not your normal shuffle-your-feet-and-windmill-your-arms dancing. No, salsa dancing. They looked like they were having fun. He span her around. She dipped. They did that whole swaying thing with their bums as they did the forward and back footstep jobbies. I almost envied her. But then the thought struck me... could you ever find a man who could salsa, sexy? To me, it's just a bit too... desperate.

Aren't they trying a bit too hard? Throwing away their natural man-dance lack of talent and bucking the trend? Shouldn't they be stood round the dancefloor scoffing at the girls dancing with each other while their mate (the "mad" one) attempts to chat up a whale on the other side of the room?

Give me a man who can down a pint, sing rugby songs very loud and doesn't mind the fact that I tend to get beaten up over the weekend (while playing rugby, not by him) and I'm a happy bunny. Which is just as well really since that's exactly what I've got.

Never respect a man who can salsa.



* on which I am not commenting. If anyone talks to me about the rugby, I will disown them, delete their bookmark and jump up and down on the spot in protest. Although, for what it's worth, I don't think BA should be sacked. Yes, he made some hideous decisions with selection (Iain Balshaw, really?) but it's the players who have to perform on the day. And they didn't. At all.

You already knew this but...

I'm way ahead of the game.

Wanted: Mrs Mop

As I tip myself out of bed my foot connects with with something long and hard. And painful. Surely a hairbrush doesn't belong there?

I survey the room. A "clothes to be washed" pile. A "clothes to be put away" pile. A "clothes that belong in the dressing up box" pile. Walking through to the sitting room, a wine glass from last night stares accusingly at me from the table. A pile of mail which needs to be re-directed to wherever Ms Ida Green has moved on to.

I can't face the kitchen.

I am not slovenly by nature but I'm increasingly finding that I'm having less and less time to do the things that a good housewife (*ahem*) should. When I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is merrily don the marigolds and spend the next half hour underneath the loo, scrubbing away to my heart's content. I'm not some old scrubber y'know.

I've always seen myself as more of a sit-with-feet-up-watching-other-people-do-the-cleaning kind of a gal. So that's why I've come to the decision that I'm going to have to get myself a lady what does. I'm sufficiently right-wing in outlook not to have pangs of guilt about this, however, I do have a number of stipulations.

1. Mrs Mop must infact be a Mr Mop
2. Wearing a small pinny
3. Topless
4. Oh, and I'd have to vet him before he starts for "ease on the eye" credentials.

Apparently there's a market for this sort of thing...

Where's my manhood?

Always disturbing for a chap to find he's lost his dangly bits.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

... why can't you make me look thinner than I am.

I'm going through a fat and ugly stage at the moment. The ubiquitous facebook means that photos which should never see the light of day are slowly creeping into my friends' consciousness. There I am, large as a whale, wobbling my double/triple chins to the world.

I can only untag photos so fast.

Respite

The cold wind whips the cobwebs tangled in my brain.

A head rush from the hastly snatched cigarette.

An aching body from Sunday's exertions.

It's been a bit of a strange weekend but I think we've sorted it out. It's not something he can just get over. But we're talking about it.

And I'm grateful it's not me making him feel like this.

*no title*

It comes on suddenly. I never know where from. I don't know what triggers it. All I know is that it changes you. You become someone from a different place. I can't talk to you. You can't look at me. Your words hurt me. I cry inside. I know you don't mean it and I know you can't help it.

I want to help you but don't know where to start.